Midnight Snack
by theguywhohasaname
Summary: Uuuuuuhhhh.... I don't know if this qualifies as a romance... Oh, well. It's an oddly named 2x1 type thing. Or is it 1x2? I dunno. I'd have to write more to find that out. Anyways, it's... Uh... Weird. Just read it. Then review it. Then congratulate me on
1. Midnight Snack

Hehehe... This is what you get from taping 3 hours of CMT... Ideas... I have several brilliant ideas... I shall put idea 1 to use now... So, here's... Something....  
  
Duo was sitting alone in his apartment watching tv in nothing but his boxers, nearly asleep, when the doorbell rang. "Huh? Hey, it's 10 P.M.... A little late for a chat, isn't it?" Duo grumbled as he stood up and walked to the door. He opened it, and found himself looking at the last person he expected to see standing there. "Uh... Hi, Heero. I understand." Duo could tell he'd confused Heero. "What do you mean by that? What do you understand?" "Well, you died a while after Mariemaia lost that battle, so you're obviously a vampire. Which means that you knew that no beautiful vigin girl could possibly be as cute as me, so you decided that I'd make a much better midnight snack." Heeros expression didn't change. "I see you still severely overestimate your looks." Duo stepped out of the way and motioned for Heero to enter.  
  
"So, what's up? Mariemaia decide having to be in a wheelchair wasn't bad enough and started a war again?" Heero shook his head. "Well, then what is it? It's been, what, three months since Mariemaias attack? Everyone thought you were dead, you made no attempt to convince us otherwise, and now suddenly you show up at my door? I kinda expect a little more than idle conversation." Heeros mouth, despite obvious attempt, curled into a slight smile. "Conversation? I think it's only called conversation if one person is quiet long enough for the other to be able to say something. In which case, by conversation, you mean me listening to you until you finally shut up." "If I knew my talking bothered you so much... I'd do it even more than I already do. So, tell me, why are you here?"  
  
Heero sat down on a couch, the only piece of furniture in that particular room, and looked up at Duo. "About a month after Mariemaia was stopped, Relena found me. She begged me to come stay with her, and I said no... But after a while, she started annoying me even more than you, so I thought it would be better just to go with her. After a while... Well... What I came here for is to invite you to the wedding." Duos heart stopped fora moment. "W-What? You two are getting married?" Heero nodded his head. "Yes. The wedding is in two weeks." Duo nodded his head slowly, trying to process everything. That would mean... I can't let this happen! I've got to think of some way to do something... "So, uh... Well, congratulations." "Thanks."  
  
Later that night...  
  
Duo glanced at the clock. "Midnight. It's too late... I can do it tomorrow. I really doubt I'll get out of it alive, but at least Heero will know I love him before he goes and marries that girl... I knew there was a reason I didn't like her... Well, in one week, I can show her and Heero my feelings for both of them. I won't ever be able to forget that night, if it isn't my last. Either Heero'll kill me, or... Hey, don't get your hopes up, Maxwell. Chances are, Heero doesn't swing your way. Well... This is the only way I can think of to find out..."  
  
The next morning...  
  
"Hey, Quatre, old buddy, how ya doin'?" Duo asked. "Okay, I guess... Duo, did you really have to call at 6 AM?" "Yup. Heero and Relena are getting married." Duo heard a sigh on the other end of the line. "I already knew that. Heero told me yesterday." Duo snickered. "Well, I'm planning a little..." Duo stopped talking for a few moments in an attempt not to laugh. "I'm planning a little party for them... A four-song salute to Heero and Relena..." Quatre yawned sleepily. "That's nice." "Will you come?" Quatre paused. "Well, when is it?" "A week before the wedding. At seven. And I figure it should be outside, so it'll be at the downtown park. Tell Trowa, too. By the way, I really hope you aren't trying to hide the fact that he's in bed next to you, because it's very obvious." Duo heard some arabic cursing from the other line, and then Quatre calmed down. "Yeah, we'll be there." "Good..." Duo hung up and then began dialing Wufei's number.  
  
Wufei picked up the phone. "Whoever you are, you'd better have a good reason for waking me up." "Hey, Wu-man." "Don't call me that, Maxwell. What do you want?" "Not much. Did you know Heero and Relena are getting married?" "Yes, I know." There was a short pause. "Well, I'm planning a little something for them. A week before the wedding at 7. At the town park. Will you come?" "Yeah, sure." Wufei grumbled. "Okay, see you there."  
  
Six days and many, many phone calls later...  
  
"An hour until 7. Let's see..." Duo peeked through the curtain on the stage he had set up and saw that a few people were already there. "Sally, Dorothy, Hilde, Neun, Milliardo, and a bunch of former Oz soldiers... I hope some more people show up... I want a lot of people to be here for this." Throughout the next hour, Lady Une, Catherine, Treize, Wufei, Quatre, Trowa, Duke Dermail, Relena, Heero, several former White Fang soldiers, and many former soldiers that worked for Mariemaya showed up. "Looks like Heero wasn't the only one to fake his death..." Duo noted, spotting Treize. After somewhere around about a thousand people had come (It's a big park with lots of comfortable seating, kay? And there are lots of tables, too.), Duo decided to start. He walked out from behind the curtain and grabbed the microphone that was on the stage. "Hello, ladys and gentlefungs." He read, glancing at the script in his hand. "Uh... I guess my computers spellcheck wasn't working very well..."  
  
"Anyways, the reason I invited you here is that Relena and Heero are supposed to get married. So, in short, I thought of four songs that would work nicely together to show them both just how special they are to me." Duo held the microphone away from his face and laughed, attempting to pass it off as a cough. "But before I do so, isthere anyone else out there that has anything to say to the future bride and groom?" Duo asked, and Treize stood up. "I have something I would like to say." Duo held out the microphone in Treizes direction, and Treize walked up onto the stage. While Treize gave a speech about the good fortune they had had to find each other, and how he hoped they would be happy, Duo got his songs in the order he wanted them and prepared the sound system, checking everything to make sure it was all working.  
  
After Treize, Milliardo gave a short speech, and then Dorothy had something to say, and a few residents of the Sanq kingdom had short speeches prepared. Then the crowd turned to Duo expectantly, waiting for his 'four-song tribute.' "When I heard this first song, by Cledus T. Judd, I immediately thought of Relena. It, in my opinion, describes her perfectly. So, here it is..." And then Duo began to sing the first of his four songs.  
  
"She cooks with lard, loves hot food bars.  
A quart of sweet tea and fried pork skins.  
Cain't get enough, eats 'til she's stuffed  
Goes to the bathroom and comes back again.  
She thinks she looks just like  
Madonna when she runs her greasy  
fingers through her bleach blond hair.  
Most times she'll place another order  
and lordy have mercy on that little bitty chair.  
She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles,  
eatin' me out of house and home.  
Her booty size, well it oughta be illegal,  
she has a hard time sittin' on the throne.  
Hamburgers, hot dogs,  
cheese fries and coleslaw,  
a dozen bearclaws,  
yum yum yum.  
Loves sausage links,  
hates diet drinks, takes up  
both seats in a two-seater car.  
Her doctor said "lay off the bread",  
but he didn't say nothin' 'bout a Snickers bar.  
She drinks sweet milk by the gallon  
and she'd never eat a salad or a lean cuisine.  
Then she'll lay spread out on the hammock  
after she's done her damage at the Dairy Queen.  
She's got a butt bigger than the beatles  
folks make fun 'cause she's overgrown.  
Her rumps shaped like a Volkswagen beetle  
she gives new meaning to the words big boned.  
Bagels and cream cheese  
vaniller ice cream  
a tub of whipped cream  
yum yum yum.  
No you wont find her name on the weight loss of fame  
down at Jenny Craigs.  
When she cleans 'em out at the waffle house  
they'll bring in more ham and eggs.  
She's got a butt bigger than the Beatles  
her favorite food is chocolate ding dongs.  
It's wide enough to play line backer for the Eagles  
Deon Sanders better leave her alone.  
Try chicken halfs baked, or a fat free milk shake.  
Enough for gods sake, stop the insanity!  
Weight Watchers, yeah.  
Weight Watchers, yeah.  
Yeah, I watched her weight,  
I watched it go from 117 and a quarter to 317 and a half,  
two and a half years later. Moooooooooo!"  
  
When Duo had finished, he noticed Relenas face was bright red, and she didn't look very happy. Heeros expression hadn't changed at all, and Duo couldn't tell whether he was angry or not. Some of the people in the audience were laughing, some looked shocked, and others were busy just trying to keep straight faces. Well, it could be a lot worse, so I guess I'll sing the next song... Duo thought to himself. "Okay, well, this next song is by the Dixie Chicks, and... Well, I'm just going to sing it now."  
  
"She's got you wrapped up in her satin and lace  
tied around her little finger  
she's got you thinking you can never escape  
don't you know your hearts in danger  
there's a devil in that angels face  
if you could only see the love that you're wasting  
I can love you better than that  
I know how to make you forget her  
all I'm asking is for one little chance  
'cause baby I can love you  
baby I can love you better  
I'm gonna break the spell she's got on you  
you're gonna wake up to find  
I'm your desire  
my intentions are true  
hey babe I know it's time  
you're gonna see what you mean to me  
so open up your eyes  
see it and believe it  
I can love you better than that  
I know how to make you forget her  
all I'm asking is for one little chance  
'cause baby I can love you  
baby I can love you better  
I can love you better than that  
I know how to make you forget her  
all I'm asking is for one little chance  
'cause baby I can love you  
baby I can love you  
I can love you better than that  
I know how to make you forget her  
all I'm asking is for one little chance  
'cause baby I can love you  
baby I can love you  
I can love you better than that  
I can love you better  
I can love you better than that  
baby I can love you  
baby I can love you better"  
  
Duo looked at the crowd again and saw that Relena was still furiously glaring up at him, Heeros expression still hadn't changed much, and the rest of the people couldn't quite figure out what was going on yet. I've gone this far... Why not go ahead with the third? "Okay, now I'm going to sing a song by Jamie O'Neal. This ones directed at Heero..." You didn't have to clear that up. That last one, they could have assumed that it was directed at Relena, even though it's fairly clear the song is about a male, but now that... Oh, just sing the song! "Here it is."  
  
"Why does the color of my coffee match your eyes  
why do I see you when a stranger passes by  
I swear I hear you in the whisper of the wind  
I feel you when the sun is dancing on my skin  
and when it's raining  
you won't find me complaining, 'cause  
when I think about rain  
I think about singing  
when I think about singing  
it's a heavenly tune  
when I think about heaven  
then I think about angels  
when I think about angels  
I think about you  
the taste of sugar sure reminds me of your kiss  
I like the way that they both linger on my lips  
kisses remind me of a field of butterflies  
it must be the way my heart is fluttering inside  
beautiful distraction  
you make every thought a chain reaction  
when I think about rain  
I think about singing  
when I think about singing  
it's a heavenly tune  
when I think about heaven  
then I think about angels  
when I think about angels  
I think about you  
anywhere I go  
anything I do  
everything around me baby  
makes me think of you  
when I think about rain  
I think about singing  
when I think about singing  
it's a heavenly tune  
when I think about heaven  
then I think about angels  
when I think about angels  
I think about you  
when I think about rain  
I think about singing  
when I think about singing  
it's a heavenly tune  
when I think about heaven  
then I think about angels  
when I think about angels  
I think about you  
when I think about rain  
I think about singing  
when I think about singing  
it's a heavenly tune  
when I think about heaven  
I think about angels  
when I think about angels  
I think about you"  
  
Duo glanced out at the crowd again to check for reactions of any sort. Relena had both of her hands on one of Heeros arms, and she was squeezing very hard. Her face was still a bright red color, and Duo could practically feel her current hatred of him. Heero, on the other hand, had an odd expression on his face. It seemed to be a combination of pain from Relenas grip, amusement of some sort, and perhaps some third emotion, though Duo couldn't tell what it was. "Uh... I modified this song a little, but all I did was get rid of 'girl'. I replaced it with a more specific word... And then I took it out completely the second time. Anyways... I think I'm going to go ahead with my fourth song now, which is by Brooks and Dunn, and... Well, you're all invited to my funeral. Here's my last song..."  
  
"Once I thought that love was something I could never do  
never knew that I could feel this much  
but this yearning in a deep part of my heart for you  
is more than a reaction to your touch  
it's a perfect passion  
and I can't get enough  
the way you look  
the way you laugh  
the way you love with all you have  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me  
the way you kiss  
the way you cry  
the way you move when you walk by  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me  
in my life I've been hammered by some heavy blows  
that never knocked me off my feet  
all you've gotta do is smile at me and down I go  
and baby it's no mystery  
why I surrender  
Heero, you've got everything  
the way you look  
the way you laugh  
the way you love with all you have  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me  
the way you kiss  
the way you cry  
the way you move when you walk by  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me  
I love your attitude  
your rose tattoo  
your every thought  
your smile, your lips  
and the list goes on and on and on  
the way you look  
the way you laugh  
the way you love with all you have  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me  
the way you kiss  
the way you cry  
the way you move when you walk by  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me  
the way you look  
the way you laugh  
the way you love with all you have  
your dance  
your drive  
you make me feel alive  
the way you talk  
the way you tease  
by now I think you see  
there ain't nothin' 'bout you  
that don't do somethin' for me"  
  
Duo didn't bother with anyone else this time, he just looked right at Heero for a reaction. Heeros face had gone back to being expressionless. Damn it... That can't be good... Heero stood up and walked towards the stage. "I leave everything to... Uh... Just bury all my stuff with me!" Heero approached Duo, and Duo closed his eyes. "Just make it quick and painless, kay?" Nothing happened for a few moments, so Duo opened his eyes, and he saw Heero had grabbed the microphone. "Ladies and gentlefungs, as Duo so politely called you, there will be a slight change in the wedding plans." Relena jumped up and shouted. "Yes, it's going to happen on the same day as Duos funeral!!" Heero shook his head. "No. The only change in the wedding will be that the bride will change from Relena to Duo." Duo made a face. "Why do I have to be the bride?" Heero smiled. "Alright, then there won't be a bride. Just a midnight snack."  
  
Hmmm... Interesting... This is the oddest name I've ever given a fic, and certainly the strangest way I've ever thought of a name for one... Um... If you didn't get that little bit about a midnight snack, you should reread the first paragraph. By the way, depending on the reviews, I might continue this. If I get a good amount of good reviews, I'll write more. If I get bad reviews or not enough reviews, I won't continue it. Ciao for now.... 


	2. Relenas Counterattack

Alright. This seems to have been a good fic so far. That is probably a bad thing. Once people start liking one of my fics, I start trying to make it good. When that happens, it sucks. But I shall try my best to continue to make it a good fic... But if I do not get any reviews for this chapter, there will be no third chapter. So... Here 'tis....  
  
Relena ran up to the stage and grabbed the microphone. "Heero! You can't be serious about this! You can't possibly marry that... That... That bastard!" Heero nodded his head. "I am. And it's a lot better than marrying a dumb bitch like you." Relenas face went bright red yet again, and she attempted to regain her composure. "I have been expecting him to make his move for a while... So I have some songs prepared too. Just let me sing them, and then we'll see if you still want him instead of me." Heero stepped back and awaited Relena's songs. "Alright, this first one is by..." Duo cut her off saying "Booooooooo!!! Get off the stage!" Relena shot him a poisonous look and then spoke again. "This one is by Garth Brooks, and it's called 'You Move Me.'"  
  
"This is how it seems to me  
life is only therapy  
real expensive  
and no guarantee  
so I lie here on the couch  
with my heart hanging out  
frozen solid with fear  
like a rock in the ground  
but you move me  
you give me courage I didn't  
know I had  
you move me  
I can't go with you  
\and stay where I am  
so you move me  
this is how love was to me  
I could look and not see  
going through the emotions  
not knowin' what they mean  
and it scared me so much  
that I just wouldn't budge  
I might have stayed there forever  
if not for your touch  
oh but you move me  
out of myself and into the fire  
you move me  
now I'm burning with love  
and with hope and desire  
how you move me  
you go whistling in the dark  
making light of it  
making light of it  
and I follow with my heart  
laughing all the way  
oh 'cause you move me  
you get me dancing and you  
make me sing  
you move me  
now I'm taking delight  
in every little thing  
how you move me"  
  
Relena ended the song and looked towards Heero, hoping for a positive reaction. She couldn't see any emotion on his face. "Um... This next one is..." Heero cut her off and took the microphone. "The only way I can respond to that is with a song of my own." Relena stepped to the side so Heero could sing his song, and a single teardrop fell from Duos eye. Damn it... I lost him? No... "This song is... Well, all that is necessary for you to know is that it is dedicated to Relena. Here it is."  
  
"She bosses me 'round  
dang near all of the time.  
She may be my wife  
but I won't kiss her big behind  
no matter how much she whines.  
  
Now I've been workin' hard  
for way too long.  
If you think  
I'm walkin' the dog  
takin' out the trash  
trimmin' the hedges  
and cleaning out the garage  
you're wrong.  
It's your turn to mow the lawn.  
  
Praise the lord  
I'm goin' fishin'.  
It's the only cure for my  
mental condition.  
  
One of these day's  
I'm gonna send her a packin'  
I'm sick and tired of my  
wife naggin'.  
  
Feels like forever since  
I've seen any action.  
Not the night I'm crampin'.  
That's right I said crampin'.  
  
I'm gonna die for sure  
from malnutrition  
'cause she won't step one foot  
in our kitchen.  
Ain't no wonder I fell off the wagon  
I'm sick and tired of my wife naggin'.  
  
I forgot our anniversary and I'm really sorry  
You sure it's today I thought it was tomorrey.  
Oh, she's gonna kill me.  
Oh, honey, please don't kill me!  
Divorce court, let's make reservations  
maybe then I'll get some rest and relaxation.  
  
For now the neighbors couch is where I'll be crashin'  
I'll stay away from my wife naggin'.  
I may be overweight but at least my breasts ain't a saggin'  
I'm sick and tired of my wifes naggin'."  
  
Duo laughed and hugged Heero. Relena glared at Heero with a glare that, if looks could kill, would be a mass murderer. "Duo, I'll see you at your wedding... And then I'll see you again in hell." Duo nodded his head. "You'll be the one with the saggy breasts and the pitchfork, right?" Relena spluttered for several seconds, unable to think of the words to express herself, and then ran offstage to her limousine. "Well, she's gone. Looks like the singing can stop." Duo noted. "Yeah, I liked the singing when you were the singer, but now it's just annoying." Then Treize ran up onto the stage. "WAIT! I have a song to sing!" Heero handed Treize the microphone. "Fine, but this is the last song." Treize stared at the policeman that had appeared by the stage. "This song is dedicated to... Well, to me... Um... Well, I'll just sing it."  
  
"After my show  
thought I'd have a little fun.  
Hopped on a horse  
lord he sure could run.  
  
Well I got a butt kickin'  
when the police finally caught me.  
Not a moment too soon  
Tim McGraw jumped in.  
Did his best Jackie Chan  
caught a cop on the chin.  
Now I don't understand  
why they's arrestin' me.  
  
My cellmate thinks I'm sexy  
I really turn him on.  
He's always starin' at me  
when them guards are gone.  
I'm runnin' out of cigarettes  
he's askin' me to dance.  
  
He says I'm lookin' good  
in these orange pants.  
I really wish Tim McGraw  
was here to protect me.  
My cellmate thinks I'm sexy.  
  
I'd give anything  
to be back on my bus.  
I'm hidin' in my bunk  
but he's climbin' on up.  
Swears all he wants me to do  
is sing him one of my songs.  
  
Says he's got a dream  
I'm afraid of what it is.  
You're never gonna see me  
on a horse after this.  
I only get one call  
I hope that Faith is home.  
  
My cellmate thinks I'm sexy  
he just won't leave me alone.  
H's blowin' kisses at me  
and I'm a duckin' 'em all.  
  
I hate to break it to him  
I'm in no mood for romance.  
Wat part of no  
don't this fool understand.  
I'm in big trouble if someone  
don't come and get me.  
My cellmate thinks I'm sexy.  
  
Well one day behind bars  
is long enough  
'cause when I drop that soap  
lord his eyes light up.  
  
My cellmate thinks I'm  
my cellmate thinks I'm sexy  
I really turn him on.  
My name is Kenny Chesney  
this ain't a where I belong.  
  
Me and Tim's in trouble  
buddy one thing is for sure.  
George Straits gonna kick us  
off his George Strait tour.  
  
I'd call Tracy Lawrence but  
he's in the next cell beside me.  
My cellmate thinks I'm sexy.  
My cellmate thinks I'm sexy.  
I had him from hello."  
  
Treize glanced around at the audience. "HEEEEEEEEEEELPPP!!! ZEEEEEEECHS! SAAAAAAVE MEEEEEE!!!" Treize yelled as several policeman dragged him off the stage and shoved him into a policecar. "Um... I'll be back... Later..." Zechs informed the people at his table as he stood up and ran after the car. "Okay then. All of you people." Duo said into the microphone. "You're all invited to the wedding. Everyone better bring a food item of some sort, preferably chocolate or pizza, a gift, preferably chocolate or pizza, and a bomb disguised as something, preferably NOT chocolate or pizza. The bombs are for Relena, the food is for me. And Heero, if there's any left. Um, I mean, if he wants any. And the gifts, preferably chocolate or pizza, are for... Me... Uh... Us."  
  
On the day of the wedding...  
  
Heero was trying to bet Duo 50 dollars that he couldn't eat the entire wedding cake in less than two minutes when Relena showed up. Duo was the first to spot her and told Heero not to look. "It's bad luck to see hideous trolls before the wedding." Relena reached into a pocket on her dress and removed a gun, which she aimed at Heero. "You are going to marry me, or you are not going to marry at all." And then Quatre walked right in front of the gun. "Hi." He said. "Hello, Quatre." Relena replied. "Whatcha doin'?" "Nothing, Quatre." Quatre giggled. "Yeah, okay then." Trowa walked up to Quatre. "You really shouldn't have done that... How would you feel if Duo got drunk at our wedding?" Quatre scratched his head. "I dunno. But you look REALLY good in those pants..." And then Quatre began to undress Trowa, and the thought of homosexual sex made Relena run away, screaming in a high pitched, squeaky voice.  
  
Hmmm... Whatever. Review. Goodnight. 


	3. More Singing?!

*eye twitches* WEEEEEEELL, isn't this just a LOVELY day. One o' my muses is depressed as hell (which I... Could possibly normally consider good, but he keeps hanging around me with that pitiful, yet psychotic look in his eyes... Scary...), I've like, got insomnia or something, I have 3... No, now it' s an entire months work of homework due at any time (My teacher WAS supposed to be here 2 weeks ago, haven't heard anything since... Skipped town? Maybe... Anyways, unknown due date on tha homework x.x), aaaaaaaand, worst of a- *is whacked by Judecca* OW! Fine, SECOND worst thing is... *cries* I have no ideas for a fic! Thus, I'm going to feel old (I'm only 14!) whilst babbling about the days of old, writing new chapters for old fics. Something that was recommended to me by everyone who spoke on the subject . Right then... Here it is... OOH! *grabs the steering wheel and yanks it sharply to the right* PLOT CHANGE! I must take into account my reviewers thoughts, right? (Okay, so the real reason is I want to kill Relena... Big deal...) So, since I was asked to kill Relena, I will. I reeeeally hate the idea of doing so (COUGH COOOOOUGH... Now that is one helluva tough lie to choke out... Nearly did choke...), but... *goes all patriotic-ish* It's for the reviewers! So, on with the fic....  
  
Heero blinked as he watched Relena run back to her limousine, and then turned back around just in time to see Duo finish off the wedding cake. "One minute, thirty-two seconds!" Duo said after he swallowed the last bit. Heero racked his brain for an excuse not to pay the money. "Uhhh... But we're going to be married... So... It wont matter who has the money, it'll be both of ours!" Heero finally said. "Nice try, Heero. Cough up the money." Duo grinned as Heero handed over the 50 dollars. After Trowa managed to finally get his pants back on, and keep Quatre somewhat under control, the wedding began.  
  
***  
  
"Heero Yuy, do you take this man to be your... Ugh... I refuse to do this, this is-" Heero pulled a gun from his pocket. "Uh, Heero Yuy, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded, eh, husband?" Heero replied with "I do." "And do you, the guy WITHOUT the gun... ALRIGHT! Get the gun away from me! I'll say it! Do you, Duo Maxwell, take the guy with th- Ah, this man to be your lawfully wedded... Husband..." Heero glared at the quite obviously homophobic priest. "I do." Duo said with a grin. "Well then, if nobody has a reason for you two not to be wed...Which anybody at all could... If ANYBODY has a reason, this wedding CAN be stopped... Anyone?" Heero growled and shoved the gun in the priests face. "AH! Alright, I now pronounce you-" "WAAAAAAAIT!"  
  
The ear-shattering shriek pierced the air, causing all those present to clutch at their ears and roll on the ground in agony. "I HAVE A REASON!" Relena's shrill voice rang out once again. "Those two can't get married, because... Heero doesn't really love Duo! Duo somehow brainwashed him! Heero loves ME!" The priest, however, didn't hear Relena's incredibly pathetic attempt at stopping the wedding. He was too busy rolling around on the ground in extreme pain like everyone else. "Heero! Snap out of it! Don't let him do this to you!" Relena screeched.  
  
Somehow, probably as a result of his super-human abilities, Heero was actually able to keep from grabbing at his head and dropping to the ground. "What are you talking about? I don't even LIKE you, I don't have any idea where you got the idea that I actually *gag* LOVED you. The one I love is Duo." Relena glared at Heero, stomping closer to him. "HEERO! LISTEN TO YOURSELF! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING??" Heero, however, finally gave in to his urge, and fell victim to a fate like so many others before him had suffered as a result of Relena's voice. Heero, the perfect soldier, fell to the ground like a stone, ears bleeding from the super-sonic noises emitted from Relena's mouth.  
  
"N-No! Stop it! Please, no more talking!" Heero begged. "HEERO! STAND UP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Relena continued shrieking, only becoming louder as Heero began to sob. "HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOO!" Relena yelled once more, and then Heero had had enough. He reached for his gun, and fired not once, not twice, not three, four, or four and a half... But five bullets. Relena suddenly fell to the ground in silence. Heero removed his free hand from his ear, and watched Relena. "What have you done, Heero?" Relena whispered, picking up the remains of the beetle one of the bullets had hit. "You've disrupted peace! That was completely unpeaceful! You must stop all this killing, so that peace may be restored to the world once again! PEACE! PEACE! PE-" And then, Relena was silenced forever, as the priest grabbed Heero's gun and fired the remaining bullet at her. "Oh, shut UP!" The priest moaned as he squeezed the trigger.  
  
"God, that bitch was annoying... By the way, I now pronounce you two... Husband and... Eh... Husband." The priest finished. (Alright, I guess I'll stop making fun of Relena's voice and her annoying habit of droning on and on and on (and on and on and...) about peace now.) Then a truck passing by (Duo had asked that the wedding take place at the same place he had told Heero of his feelings for him, which happened to be in a park if ya remember... And the park is next to a street. So nyah.) suddenly swerved to miss a large undefinable object in the road, sending the half of a mobile home it had been carrying flying out into the park, where it then landed on Relena, leaving only her shoes sticking out from beneath it.  
  
"Hey, the doorknob on the front door's pretty low!" Was the first comment anyone made. Not long after that had been said, a family of midgets stepped out through the front door, walking past Relena's shoes. "Hey! Is that Relena Peacecraft?" One of them asked in a high-pitched voice. "Yup." An ex Oz soldier replied. "Well, I'll be a representative of The Lollipop Guild!" The midget gasped in astonishment. "you know what this means, don't you?" He asked the other members of his family. "Ding dong, the witch is dead!" The midgets began singing in unison, and soon everyone else, including the truck driver and several people who happened to be passing by, joined in.  
  
Once all of the merriment, laughter, and celebration (Not of Relena's death, of Heero and Duo's wedding! How sick do you think I am???) had stopped, then the merriment, laughter and celebration of Relena's death resumed. And once that was over, just when everyone was about to leave and go home, one of the guests recognised another guest and yelled for everyones attention. "Hey! Shania!" The man yelled at one of the female guests. "I need to ask you something!" Everyone quickly ran back to their seats, expecting another proposal. Then the man began to sing...  
  
"My truck wont crank,  
  
I owe the bank.  
  
I'm gonna pay 'em back  
  
but right now I cain't.  
  
My record went gold,  
  
half a million sold.  
  
My wallet was fat,  
  
but I spent all that.  
  
Just when I bought  
  
things I couldn't afford,  
  
now Uncle Sam's knockin' on my door.  
  
All this stress,  
  
I'm so depressed,  
  
Do not mess with the IRS.  
  
Loan shark says it's time to pay,  
  
says I've got 'til the end of the day.  
  
Nothin' left to do but pray  
  
pray give me one more day.  
  
Shania I'm broke,  
  
I need help right away.  
  
I blew what little bit  
  
of money I made.  
  
You and me,  
  
we're on CMT,  
  
so why can't I seem to make ends meet?  
  
Radio Shack keeps a billin' me,  
  
they say their gonna repo my color tv.  
  
Pick up the phone,  
  
float a man a loan.  
  
Say you'll pay,  
  
Shania I'm broke.  
  
I'm poor as hell,  
  
cain't ya tell?  
  
That's why I've got  
  
my house for sale.  
  
Have you got a place that I can stay?  
  
Maybe just for a couple of days?  
  
Check with Mud  
  
see if it's okay.  
  
Say the word I'm  
  
on my way.  
  
Shania I'm broke  
  
and I need a pay day.  
  
If you've got an extra million,  
  
send a little my way.  
  
If Shania Was Mine  
  
didn't make me a dime,  
  
so I had to steal your song  
  
just one more time.  
  
Looky who's back!  
  
It's Cledus T.  
  
I know you thought you'd heard  
  
the last of me.  
  
This aint no joke,  
  
you're my only hope.  
  
Pay to-day,  
  
Shania I'm broke.  
  
Aw, write a check, will ya?  
  
Shania I'm broke,  
  
I'm ashamed to say.  
  
That Super Bowl bet  
  
didn't go my way.  
  
Won't you please  
  
buy my new CD,  
  
or I'll be filin' bankruptcy.  
  
All my creditors  
  
are suin' me.  
  
I owe back taxes  
  
from ninety-three.  
  
I know you're home  
  
so pick up the phone.  
  
Pay today,  
  
Shania I'm broke!"  
  
Most of the wedding guests just stared at Cledus as he finished his song. Shania, however, was halfway to her car by then. "Shania! Wait! Please give me just a few thousand? Shaniiiiaaaaa!" Cledus shouted as he ran to stop her. "Well... Let's go home now, I guess." Heero said, leading his new husband to their car. Soon afterwards, there was only one wedding guest left at the park... "I've always admired those shoes..." Dorothy muttered as she walked over the where Relena's feet were sticking out from under the house. "She's dead now, I'm sure nobody would mind if I just..." Dorothy let her sentence hang as she exchanged shoes with Relena.  
  
*Back at Duo's... Well, now Heero and Duo's apartment. (If you remember, Heero had been living with Relena, thus no place of his own... So they're stuck with that little bitty apartment... Note to self; get them a house in the next chapter.)*  
  
Heero grinned as Duo unlocked the door. Once Duo had done so and put the keys away, Heero suddenly picked him up, and then proceeded to carry him over the threshhold. Once inside, rather than stopping, Heero kicked the door closed and carried Duo back to the bedroom. "Now... Seeing as how it's our wedding night and all..." Heero began with a wide grin on his face, which was quickly matched by Duo's.  
  
*yawns* If it wasn't any good, get over it. I had fun writing it, so NYAH to all o' you who don't like it. If you did like it, thanks, maybe I'll write another chapter now... *grins* Anyways... Uh... Review! Review! Review! 


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